but...but...but

but, but, but…
Years ago, the term, ‘long distance ‘phone call’ was enough to send financial tremors through the housekeeping budgets of most subscribers. A short telephone conversation from the Home Counties to north of the Watford Gap meant working overtime to pay the bill, or worse, going without food for a day or two. Then came the miracle of fibre optics, satellite communication and a deregulated telephone network allowing price-cutting, in turn leading to cheaper ‘phone calls.
One might presume the population organised street parties to celebrate the liberation of communication and the opportunity to save money, praising the Government of the day for its foresight and far-reaching legislation. Not so. Greed and an inability to save money are human traits, and in evidence, I offer you, ‘Happy Hour’ and the never-ending January Sales.
Popping in for a pint on the way home was once considered a tradition after a hard day’s work. Cut price drinks for an hour or so could be expected, with reasonable certainty, to alleviate the burden on the working man’s pocket, giving him more disposable income for life’s little treats. With the exception of unprincipled profit makers, who could have foreseen our working class bloke fighting for a place at a crowded happy hour bar, endangering the integrity of his liver by ordering up multiple cheap pints of bitter with tequila chasers rather than his customary single drink?
As for his spouse – well, she’d been through the town centre like a dose of salts for the third time that week, pursuing the elusive bargains at the January sales, with never a thought they should have ended months ago – it being the middle of June.
Presuming our working chap still possessed some rudimentary brain function after his frantic binge, and late night shopping had not detained the little woman, seven, or perhaps eight pm. might have witnessed them returning to an empty home with little chance of a prepared meal. Never mind – get on the ‘phone and order up a takeaway.
This ‘voluminous greed,’ of which we’re all capable, is there to be exploited – it’s a door that swings both ways. Cut price telephone calls mean more people can be reached for less capital outlay, and the art of ‘bulk dialling’ has never been more refined and exploited than by the mother of all nuisances…the Call Centre.
The telephone company nets more profit by providing cheap rate calls in their thousand to the Call centre, who in turn reach a larger percentage of the buying public. And let’s face it, in this country, we’re not very good at giving a firm, negative response, are we?
Ever wonder what happened to the previous blight on society, namely, the double glazing salesman? Well – ask yourself this. Why pay an unreliable social misfit in a cheap suit to walk the streets, banging on innocent people’s doors at all hours of the day and night, when a Call Centre can upset far more potential customers in a fraction of the time?
Unfair comment? Not really, if you consider the insistent interrogation, the almost mechanical questioning of the inquisitor and the wholly inappropriate intrusion on your privacy.
Not content with the meagre millions of pounds profit brought about by our inability to offer a polite refusal to the person on the other end of the line, the Call Centres took things one more step away from reality. In an effort to minimise employee’s wages and cut operating costs to the bone, the entire operation was moved overseas. Could things get any worse? Of course they could. In an appalling lack of foresight, the countries chosen to host these menageries were all required to have one thing in common; English must not be the first language spoken by the population.
At a stroke, unemployment overseas was cut, and thousands of workers in this Country found themselves without a job – neat. To make matters worse, we now have the ridiculous situation whereby, if you have the misfortune to be one of the ex- employees made redundant when your place of work was transferred overseas, you’re more than likely to be pestered by a Call Centre to spend money you don’t have: that’s if you are still able to afford a ‘phone in the house.
We’ve all been in the situation where we’d rather hang up than continue with the conversation. Trouble is, we’re British, and with the exception of those who are the subject of an ASBO, drink ten jugs of sangria before breakfast whilst on holiday in Spain or only take a bath once a fortnight, we don’t like to offend. Such is our paranoia at not having people adore us, we divulge all kinds of personal details in an effort to please. Only after stripping our souls to the bone do we replace the receiver and give vent to all that pent-up frustration: hypocritical really, when you consider, two seconds ago we were assuring our tormentor, ‘No - it’s fine – no trouble at all – really.’
Wouldn’t it be nice, after hanging up, to relax with a satisfied, if not mischievous smile, knowing the person on the other end was marking their call sheet with – ‘NEVER RING THIS PERSON AGAIN.’ With a little inventiveness, imagination and outright lying, it’s possible to turn the tables, put your caller on the back foot and even solicit an outright apology for calling.
The following examples give some idea of what may be achieved.
Always answer the ‘phone by saying, ‘hello.’ Never divulge any further information. All our examples assume the man of the house has answered the telephone. Ladies please read the replies in parenthesis.
Question: May I speak to Mrs (Mr) Roberts.
Answer: Speaking.
Question: I’d like to speak to Mrs (Mr) Roberts please.
Answer: Speaking.
Question: That doesn’t sound like Mrs (Mr) Roberts – is she available?
Answer: I can assure you, this is Mrs (Mr) Roberts – how may I help?
Question: I’m sorry - it sounds like a man’s (woman’s) voice.
Answer: Are you questioning my sexuality? I was assured the hormone treatment was proceeding satisfactorily. God knows, the surgery was difficult enough – I don’t need people ringing me up and telling me I still sound like a man (woman) – you’ve no idea what I’ve been through.
Question: But…but…but.
At this point, a hang-up from your caller is almost inevitable. However, if because of language difficulties or a passing medical interest, the line is still open, volunteer some additional information.
Answer: It’s bad enough the kids still calling me Daddy (Mummy) – I would have thought any adult person would have realised they’re talking to a mature and attractive woman (man) – you’ve set my rehabilitation back by weeks – I hope you’re satisfied. Please go before your impertinence causes irreparable damage.
NB: If you’re the lady of the house, anguished sobbing during your last reply may be quite effective.
Our next conversation requires you to convince yourself a prank playing relative is on the other end of the line.
Question: Good afternoon: this is a call from Utopia Health Insurance. May I take up a few minutes of your time to explain our latest health plan?
Answer: Auntie Gwen! (Uncle Harry) How absolutely wonderful to hear from you – how have you been keeping?
Question: I’m sorry – this is Utopia Health Insurance – is that Mr (Mrs) Frobisher?
Answer: Come on Gwen (Harry), drop the silly voice – how’s Uncle Harry (Auntie Gwen)?
Question: This is not Gwen (Harry). My name is Fatima and I’m calling from Utopia to give you the details of our latest exciting insurance scheme.
Answer: Bloody hell Gwen (Harry), I would have thought you learned your lesson last Christmas. Singing the words to ‘Candle in the Wind’ while the rest of us were belting out ‘Silent Night’ was a pretty stupid thing to do – the vicar was furious. Anyway, you’ve got the accent all wrong. You don’t even sound like a Fatima – more like a fathead with a Welsh twang.
Question: This is Fatima Patel. I am calling from Mumbai. I am not this Gwen person who is silent during the night; neither am I so stupid as to try and light a candle when the wind is blowing.
Answer: This is your last chance Auntie (Uncle) – either drop the poor imitation or I’m hanging up. Now – has Uncle Harry (Auntie Gwen) been and had his (her) waterworks looked at yet, or is he (she) still having trouble during the night?
Question: I am becoming confused. I do not understand. Why am I lighting this candle? Is it so that I may inspect these waterworks on a windy night with Uncle Harry (Auntie Gwen) – and why would I wish to associate myself with him (her) if he (she) is in trouble?
Answer: (Sigh) Ok – have it your own way. When you get out of your silly mood, ring me again and we’ll have a chat. Love to Harry (Gwen).
Question: But…but…but…
Sometimes, when answering the telephone, a cough or a grunt of acknowledgement to the caller can buy you enough time to choose your preferred response. Never lose sight of who is being inconvenienced.
This one requires a bit of practice, but as you will guess, the order of the replies is not important. The main thing is to cultivate a convincing fluency, and by raising or lowering the tone at the end of each sentence, a question or a statement may be implied.
Question: Hi there – am I speaking to Mr Hogarth?
Answer: Desprovda – ni mesca devorchas?
Question: I’m calling on behalf of ‘The Amicable Investment Trust,’ is Mr Hogarth available to answer a few questions?
Answer: Shagasta provarich!
Question: Is there someone there who speaks English?
Answer: Progidov pigansi! Vermarchi ich robandska…plobon?
Question: I’ll call back later – when will Mr Hogarth be available please?
Answer: Nenchy, nenchy, nenchy.
If you have the time and the inclination, it’s a good idea to pencil in a few more words of gobbledegook as backup. Some people will surprise you with their persistence, to say nothing of their inability to understand that English is not your native tongue. This is probably because it’s not theirs either…..shame.
Wouldn’t it be easier, in answer to all those irritating enquiries, to say, ‘I’m sorry – he’s not available.’ Bit of a cop-out though – don’t you think? If you must be so unimaginative in your response, at least think of some outlandish reasons for the person in question not being there or unable to answer. Try some of these.
Question: May I speak to Mr Mountjoy?
Answer: Would you like to leave a messsage? He’s attending the funeral of the family camel.
Question: What time will he be available?
Answer: Who knows? Flights from Egypt have been delayed because of the pyramid crisis.
Question: Could I speak to Mr Pickering?
Answer: You can try ringing his mobile if you like
Please, please, please – let them ask for the number.
Question: Do you have the number available?
Answer: Certainly – it’s 07963 123546 3567990 # 3355478 # 645903 192837 – would you like me to repeat that for you?
Question: That seems to be a long number.
Answer: It’s a high security line – if the line sounds dead, don’t worry – access can sometimes take several minutes.
Question: Is Mrs Withrop there please?
Answer: Yes.
Question: May I speak to her?
Answer: Of course – she’s totally deaf you know – you’ll have to shout very loud.
Place the receiver on the table and go make yourself a coffee.
Question: I’m ringing from ‘Roadholder Car Insurance’. Is that Mr Morely?
Answer: I’m sorry – he’s at the Magistrates Court pleading guilty to drunk driving. If he doesn’t receive a prison sentence I can ask him to ring you when he gets back.
Question: Hello – Mr Simpson? I’m calling from Cable and Witless Telephone Company. Our records show you could save money by switching from your present provider. Call rates are substantially lower when you’re a Witless customer.
Answer: That sounds like a very tempting offer, but I’m sorry, Mr Simpson is away at the moment, and anyway – he doesn’t have a telephone.
Question: This is Tania – I’m calling from Luxview. We are proud to be able to offer you huge reductions on a luxury conservatory. Our customers are delighted with the service we provide and as we are expanding into your area we are able to discount our products even more – but only for a limited period. Are you able to spare a minute to give me some details?
Answer: That sounds wonderful. I’ve lived here for twenty years and nobody has ever made me an offer like this before. Your company must use some very modern technology.
Question: We certainly do sir; everything is computer controlled. We even use laser beams for measuring. Now – if I could have your address I’ll get someone to call on you in the next day or so.
Answer: Certainly. It’s 29. Himalya Towers. The lift’s broken I’m afraid – your man will have to use the stairs – it’s on the seventh floor. I’m really excited about this – I never thought I’d ever have a conservatory.


To be continued........